So I had one of my long-time fantasies fulfilled last night and, really, the experience can be summed up in one word: "Wow!" To put it bluntly, I was fucked by one of my lovers against the door of a bathroom stall. I was wearing jeans and my brown leather jacket. We made out for about 30 seconds and then I turned around and pulled my jeans down jut enough to expose my ass and away we went. The entire encounter only lasted about 10 minutes but it felt like an eternity. My orgasm felt like it was going to last for days. I must say I absolutely love non-ejaculatory orgasms. I can never seem to give them to myself so when they do happen, they're always so incredibly intense.
I'm really quite smitten by this lover because she's one of the only people I can actually bottom for without feeling self-conscious or threatened or any other negative emotion. The second that her hand grips my throat, I'm hers. Last night, I felt a sense of urgency, of immediacy that I haven't felt in a quite some time. It's been close to 8 years since I came out as kinky and yet I'm just now starting to explore the bottom-y side of things. Fuck, there is something so beautiful in giving yourself up to another person. The feeling of her hand on the back of my head, smashing the side of my face into the stall door, I felt like I could stay like that forever. When I'm in a position like that I feel vulnerable, open, raw, and I love it! It's animalistic. It's deviant. It's defiant.
Fuck I love public sex.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Trans Script
I think over the years, as a preemptive defense mechanism mainly, I've developed a script for talking about my body with cis folk. It's usually a fairly simple "I just need to hear you say that you won't see me as anything less than a woman when I take off my pants" and them saying "Yes of course I won't, etc." Normally, it's left me feeling incredibly empowered, validated, and reassured.
But the other day, I had first-time sex with a cis grrrl whom I've had a crush on for a while (and I discovered that the feeling was mutual :P) and when I read the script and heard her response the script felt trite. Her response was (laugh) "Of course, I honestly can't think of you as anything but a woman." And, it made me realize that the script is no longer relevant for me to articulate my sexuality, desires, and so on. I think the script was useful at a moment in my life when my gender identity wasn't completely solidified and, as a result, I relied on cis folk's validation for my gender.
I think I've been ruminating over this--the usefulness of the script at this point in my transition--for about a month or so, and it was this encounter that made me decide to stop using it. And really, my reasoning is twofold: first, I'm solid in my gender/sexual i.d. as a pre-operative transsexual dyke and I don't feel that I need validation in that very specific yes-you-are-a-woman kind of way, especially from cis folk. Secondly, at this point in my life/transition, the script only feels useful if I were going to be sleeping with people for whom I wasn't sure had good trans politics, but really, I don't do that.
Before I feel comfortable sleeping with someone they have to demonstrate that they have a good understanding of trans identity. And, you know, obviously that doesn't mean that they have to articulate in-depth knowledge of all the specificities of a trans embodiment (because really I don't want to wait 6 months to sleep with them :P) but they have to at least understand the basics.
Finally, I think it's important for me to drop this script because I never use it when sleeping with another trans or genderqueer person, and as a result it sets up a dynamic wherein trans/genderqueer folks are drastically different from cis folks. It just feels weird that I would rail against this type of mentality--that is, trans = demonstrably different from cis--in every other aspect of my life except for the bedroom. So, I'm going to try it for a while, not having this conversation and seeing how it makes me feel. Now, obviously I'm still going to talk about what turns me on/off, what type of touching I like/don't like, how I like my genitals to be touched, what I like my genitals to be called, and all that other great stuff. BUT, I am going to consciously drop the please-don't-think-of-me-as-less-of-a-woman stuff...hope it works!
Wish me luck :)
xoxo
Kate
But the other day, I had first-time sex with a cis grrrl whom I've had a crush on for a while (and I discovered that the feeling was mutual :P) and when I read the script and heard her response the script felt trite. Her response was (laugh) "Of course, I honestly can't think of you as anything but a woman." And, it made me realize that the script is no longer relevant for me to articulate my sexuality, desires, and so on. I think the script was useful at a moment in my life when my gender identity wasn't completely solidified and, as a result, I relied on cis folk's validation for my gender.
I think I've been ruminating over this--the usefulness of the script at this point in my transition--for about a month or so, and it was this encounter that made me decide to stop using it. And really, my reasoning is twofold: first, I'm solid in my gender/sexual i.d. as a pre-operative transsexual dyke and I don't feel that I need validation in that very specific yes-you-are-a-woman kind of way, especially from cis folk. Secondly, at this point in my life/transition, the script only feels useful if I were going to be sleeping with people for whom I wasn't sure had good trans politics, but really, I don't do that.
Before I feel comfortable sleeping with someone they have to demonstrate that they have a good understanding of trans identity. And, you know, obviously that doesn't mean that they have to articulate in-depth knowledge of all the specificities of a trans embodiment (because really I don't want to wait 6 months to sleep with them :P) but they have to at least understand the basics.
Finally, I think it's important for me to drop this script because I never use it when sleeping with another trans or genderqueer person, and as a result it sets up a dynamic wherein trans/genderqueer folks are drastically different from cis folks. It just feels weird that I would rail against this type of mentality--that is, trans = demonstrably different from cis--in every other aspect of my life except for the bedroom. So, I'm going to try it for a while, not having this conversation and seeing how it makes me feel. Now, obviously I'm still going to talk about what turns me on/off, what type of touching I like/don't like, how I like my genitals to be touched, what I like my genitals to be called, and all that other great stuff. BUT, I am going to consciously drop the please-don't-think-of-me-as-less-of-a-woman stuff...hope it works!
Wish me luck :)
xoxo
Kate
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Fags, Bois, and Daddy
I've been fantasizing a lot recently about fag sex. Does that make me a bad MTF? Does it make me a bad dyke? Last weekend I helped organize a play party for queers of all genders (http://montrealcontrelemur.wordpress.com/) and I found that I was most turned on by all the kinky cis faggots fucking.
I've been thinking about this attraction for a while and in explaining it to someone recently, I said that when I fantasize about/fuck femmes I feel like a dyke but when I fantasize about/fuck butches or bois, I feel like a fag. And then when I fuck boys (trans or cis) I feel as though I'm beyond gender. Isn't it funny how sexuality informs gender which informs sexuality which informs gender, ad infinitum?
Also, I did a scene where I played a Daddy. It was interesting embodying a male persona (ie: wearing a shirt/tie, getting called sir) for the first time since transitioning. I thought I would have had trouble getting into it but I feel that I am at a point now where I'm secure in my gender as an andro transdyke. In fact, I felt comfortable in the role of Daddy because it was a chosen maleness. As opposed to pre-transition fucking where it was simply assumed that I would embody maleness because of my assigned sex. It actually felt liberating to "play the male" for half an hour and, then post orgasm, remove the cock, put a bra back on, and return to a place of femaleness.
All this to say, I look forward to continuing this exploration of role/identities in sex.
Butchy Bisous,
Kate
I've been thinking about this attraction for a while and in explaining it to someone recently, I said that when I fantasize about/fuck femmes I feel like a dyke but when I fantasize about/fuck butches or bois, I feel like a fag. And then when I fuck boys (trans or cis) I feel as though I'm beyond gender. Isn't it funny how sexuality informs gender which informs sexuality which informs gender, ad infinitum?
Also, I did a scene where I played a Daddy. It was interesting embodying a male persona (ie: wearing a shirt/tie, getting called sir) for the first time since transitioning. I thought I would have had trouble getting into it but I feel that I am at a point now where I'm secure in my gender as an andro transdyke. In fact, I felt comfortable in the role of Daddy because it was a chosen maleness. As opposed to pre-transition fucking where it was simply assumed that I would embody maleness because of my assigned sex. It actually felt liberating to "play the male" for half an hour and, then post orgasm, remove the cock, put a bra back on, and return to a place of femaleness.
All this to say, I look forward to continuing this exploration of role/identities in sex.
Butchy Bisous,
Kate
Friday, October 10, 2008
Against the Wall/Contre Le Mur Women & Trans-Identified Play Party
Okay, shameless (sorta) self-promo. I'm part of this organizing collective so time to tout my own work!
Come one, come all!
We are a montreal based feminist collective of queer and trans identified folks. We feel that in a city dominated by straight swinger clubs and gay male only sex spaces, there is a need for women and queer/trans friendly spaces to express our sexualities. We are a sex and kink positive collective that is committed to anti-oppression and harm reduction based politics. And, ultimately, we are committed to getting you off!
Women and trans identified folks, please join us Saturday the 18th for an evening of serious sex positivity!
Doors open at 10pm and we will kick the night off with some workshops. Come early!
We will disclose the exact location of the event 24 hours before the event, so make sure to check the website. There will also be an infoline available.
the space is wheechair accessible.
18+, ID required (we will be looking at the id for age only). 10$ suggested. sliding scale.
See you there, deers.
xx(x)
againstthewallmontreal.wordpress.com
montrealsexparty@gmail.com
-------
Nous sommes un collectif féministe montréalais de gens queer et trans. Nous décrions le fait que, dans une ville dominée par les clubs échangistes hétéro et les saunas pour hommes gays seulement, il n'y existe pas d'endroit sécuritaire permettant aux femmes et aux personnes queer/trans/non-conformistes de genre d'exprimer leurs sexualitées. Nous travaillons activement pour combler cette lacune. Nous sommes un collectif dédié au sexe-positivisme ainsi qu'aux politiques d'anti-oppression et de réductions des méfaits. D'abord et avant tout, nous avons votre plaisir à coeur.
Venez vous joindre à nous le 18 octobre pour une folle soirée de sexe positivisme.
Les portes ouvrent à 22h. C'est également à cette heure que les ateliers débuterons, donc arrivez tôt!
Le lieu de l'événement sera dévoilé 24h avant l'événement..restez à l'affût. Il y aura également une ligne téléphonique en service.
l'endroit est accessible aux fauteuils roulants.
18 ans et plus, carte d'identité obligatoire (on regardons l'age seulement). don suggéré de 10$.
À bientôt, chériEs.
xx(x)
againstthewallmontreal.wordpress.com
montrealsexparty@gmail.com
Come one, come all!
We are a montreal based feminist collective of queer and trans identified folks. We feel that in a city dominated by straight swinger clubs and gay male only sex spaces, there is a need for women and queer/trans friendly spaces to express our sexualities. We are a sex and kink positive collective that is committed to anti-oppression and harm reduction based politics. And, ultimately, we are committed to getting you off!
Women and trans identified folks, please join us Saturday the 18th for an evening of serious sex positivity!
Doors open at 10pm and we will kick the night off with some workshops. Come early!
We will disclose the exact location of the event 24 hours before the event, so make sure to check the website. There will also be an infoline available.
the space is wheechair accessible.
18+, ID required (we will be looking at the id for age only). 10$ suggested. sliding scale.
See you there, deers.
xx(x)
againstthewallmontreal.
montrealsexparty@gmail.com
-------
Nous sommes un collectif féministe montréalais de gens queer et trans. Nous décrions le fait que, dans une ville dominée par les clubs échangistes hétéro et les saunas pour hommes gays seulement, il n'y existe pas d'endroit sécuritaire permettant aux femmes et aux personnes queer/trans/non-conformistes de genre d'exprimer leurs sexualitées. Nous travaillons activement pour combler cette lacune. Nous sommes un collectif dédié au sexe-positivisme ainsi qu'aux politiques d'anti-oppression et de réductions des méfaits. D'abord et avant tout, nous avons votre plaisir à coeur.
Venez vous joindre à nous le 18 octobre pour une folle soirée de sexe positivisme.
Les portes ouvrent à 22h. C'est également à cette heure que les ateliers débuterons, donc arrivez tôt!
Le lieu de l'événement sera dévoilé 24h avant l'événement..restez à l'affût. Il y aura également une ligne téléphonique en service.
l'endroit est accessible aux fauteuils roulants.
18 ans et plus, carte d'identité obligatoire (on regardons l'age seulement). don suggéré de 10$.
À bientôt, chériEs.
xx(x)
againstthewallmontreal.
montrealsexparty@gmail.com
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Obligatory Introduction
Welcome,
I guess an intro post would be appropriate. So hello there, my name is Kate...nice to meet you. I am a mid-20s, white, transsexual, lesbian-identified queer. I am one vegetarian, tattooed, feisty-ass, riotdyke. Here are my tranny stats: I was assigned male at birth; my sex is currently in transition to female; I have been transitioning for roughly 2 years now; my gender is woman; my pronouns are she, her, hers; my gender presentation is soft-andro-butch; my sexual inclination is towards the rougher side of sex (a.k.a. BDSM, kink); and my sexual orientation, as I mentioned, is lesbian-identified queer. This last part may be confusing to some but it simply means that I sleep with most anyone that floats my boat (male, female, cis, trans, other, neither, both, etc) but my primary emotional commitments are to women-identified folks.
So that's me & this is my blog. It's about transsexuality. And, no, this is not your regular ole tranny-blog-bitch-fest. I'm not talking about transsexuality in the DSM-IV sense of the word. Rather, I am talking about trans-peoples-sexualities; as in, how transsexual, transgender, and genderqueer people relate (or don't) to our sexualities. I'm concerned with questions of representation, appropriation, and, of course, pure sexiness :P
This is stuff I've been thinking about for quite a while now. I mean, whenever I see some documentary about trans people, it's always the same narrative:
When did you first know? How did you family react to your coming out? What about your friends? What does hormone replacement therapy (HRT) do to your body? How about sex reassignment surgery (SRS)?
Now, I want to be clear, these are all fine and dandy questions, but, when it's the only thing out there, I can't help but start to question things? See, to me, these questions are a good starting point for education about trans realities but that's all they should be: a starting point. To be certain watching documentaries like Southern Comfort, the TransGeneration series, and You Don't Know Dick, helped me to solidify my own identity. They are a good educational tool for the general non-trans (cis) public, as well as, trans people in questioning/experimenting phases.
However, the problem is that when the vast, vast, vast majority of the trans films never extend beyond those introductory questions. For example, I'd love to watch a film and see the documentarian ask these questions:
What gets you off? What gets turns you on? What do you find triggering about sex? What's your relationship to BDSM? How do you negotiate consent? How do you talk about body parts that (may) feel alien to you? Has the thought of losing complete sexual functioning deterred you from getting SRS?
So, I guess these are some examples of questions you'll find me addressing (or at least trying to) in this blog. Also, to spice things up, from time to time I will also post erotic stories that has trans people's pleasure as the focus.
I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing. I look forward to be hearing from you. Seriously, don't be shy, I won't bite....unless you ask me real nice and promise to call me Ma'am :)
xoxo
K
I guess an intro post would be appropriate. So hello there, my name is Kate...nice to meet you. I am a mid-20s, white, transsexual, lesbian-identified queer. I am one vegetarian, tattooed, feisty-ass, riotdyke. Here are my tranny stats: I was assigned male at birth; my sex is currently in transition to female; I have been transitioning for roughly 2 years now; my gender is woman; my pronouns are she, her, hers; my gender presentation is soft-andro-butch; my sexual inclination is towards the rougher side of sex (a.k.a. BDSM, kink); and my sexual orientation, as I mentioned, is lesbian-identified queer. This last part may be confusing to some but it simply means that I sleep with most anyone that floats my boat (male, female, cis, trans, other, neither, both, etc) but my primary emotional commitments are to women-identified folks.
So that's me & this is my blog. It's about transsexuality. And, no, this is not your regular ole tranny-blog-bitch-fest. I'm not talking about transsexuality in the DSM-IV sense of the word. Rather, I am talking about trans-peoples-sexualities; as in, how transsexual, transgender, and genderqueer people relate (or don't) to our sexualities. I'm concerned with questions of representation, appropriation, and, of course, pure sexiness :P
This is stuff I've been thinking about for quite a while now. I mean, whenever I see some documentary about trans people, it's always the same narrative:
When did you first know? How did you family react to your coming out? What about your friends? What does hormone replacement therapy (HRT) do to your body? How about sex reassignment surgery (SRS)?
Now, I want to be clear, these are all fine and dandy questions, but, when it's the only thing out there, I can't help but start to question things? See, to me, these questions are a good starting point for education about trans realities but that's all they should be: a starting point. To be certain watching documentaries like Southern Comfort, the TransGeneration series, and You Don't Know Dick, helped me to solidify my own identity. They are a good educational tool for the general non-trans (cis) public, as well as, trans people in questioning/experimenting phases.
However, the problem is that when the vast, vast, vast majority of the trans films never extend beyond those introductory questions. For example, I'd love to watch a film and see the documentarian ask these questions:
What gets you off? What gets turns you on? What do you find triggering about sex? What's your relationship to BDSM? How do you negotiate consent? How do you talk about body parts that (may) feel alien to you? Has the thought of losing complete sexual functioning deterred you from getting SRS?
So, I guess these are some examples of questions you'll find me addressing (or at least trying to) in this blog. Also, to spice things up, from time to time I will also post erotic stories that has trans people's pleasure as the focus.
I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing. I look forward to be hearing from you. Seriously, don't be shy, I won't bite....unless you ask me real nice and promise to call me Ma'am :)
xoxo
K
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