Monday, May 4, 2009

The Trans Script

I think over the years, as a preemptive defense mechanism mainly, I've developed a script for talking about my body with cis folk. It's usually a fairly simple "I just need to hear you say that you won't see me as anything less than a woman when I take off my pants" and them saying "Yes of course I won't, etc." Normally, it's left me feeling incredibly empowered, validated, and reassured.

But the other day, I had first-time sex with a cis grrrl whom I've had a crush on for a while (and I discovered that the feeling was mutual :P) and when I read the script and heard her response the script felt trite. Her response was (laugh) "Of course, I honestly can't think of you as anything but a woman." And, it made me realize that the script is no longer relevant for me to articulate my sexuality, desires, and so on. I think the script was useful at a moment in my life when my gender identity wasn't completely solidified and, as a result, I relied on cis folk's validation for my gender.

I think I've been ruminating over this--the usefulness of the script at this point in my transition--for about a month or so, and it was this encounter that made me decide to stop using it. And really, my reasoning is twofold: first, I'm solid in my gender/sexual i.d. as a pre-operative transsexual dyke and I don't feel that I need validation in that very specific yes-you-are-a-woman kind of way, especially from cis folk. Secondly, at this point in my life/transition, the script only feels useful if I were going to be sleeping with people for whom I wasn't sure had good trans politics, but really, I don't do that.

Before I feel comfortable sleeping with someone they have to demonstrate that they have a good understanding of trans identity. And, you know, obviously that doesn't mean that they have to articulate in-depth knowledge of all the specificities of a trans embodiment (because really I don't want to wait 6 months to sleep with them :P) but they have to at least understand the basics.

Finally, I think it's important for me to drop this script because I never use it when sleeping with another trans or genderqueer person, and as a result it sets up a dynamic wherein trans/genderqueer folks are drastically different from cis folks. It just feels weird that I would rail against this type of mentality--that is, trans = demonstrably different from cis--in every other aspect of my life except for the bedroom. So, I'm going to try it for a while, not having this conversation and seeing how it makes me feel. Now, obviously I'm still going to talk about what turns me on/off, what type of touching I like/don't like, how I like my genitals to be touched, what I like my genitals to be called, and all that other great stuff. BUT, I am going to consciously drop the please-don't-think-of-me-as-less-of-a-woman stuff...hope it works!

Wish me luck :)

xoxo
Kate

1 comment:

J.B. said...

Wow, you actually put THOUGHT into this. That's awesome.