So I had one of my long-time fantasies fulfilled last night and, really, the experience can be summed up in one word: "Wow!" To put it bluntly, I was fucked by one of my lovers against the door of a bathroom stall. I was wearing jeans and my brown leather jacket. We made out for about 30 seconds and then I turned around and pulled my jeans down jut enough to expose my ass and away we went. The entire encounter only lasted about 10 minutes but it felt like an eternity. My orgasm felt like it was going to last for days. I must say I absolutely love non-ejaculatory orgasms. I can never seem to give them to myself so when they do happen, they're always so incredibly intense.
I'm really quite smitten by this lover because she's one of the only people I can actually bottom for without feeling self-conscious or threatened or any other negative emotion. The second that her hand grips my throat, I'm hers. Last night, I felt a sense of urgency, of immediacy that I haven't felt in a quite some time. It's been close to 8 years since I came out as kinky and yet I'm just now starting to explore the bottom-y side of things. Fuck, there is something so beautiful in giving yourself up to another person. The feeling of her hand on the back of my head, smashing the side of my face into the stall door, I felt like I could stay like that forever. When I'm in a position like that I feel vulnerable, open, raw, and I love it! It's animalistic. It's deviant. It's defiant.
Fuck I love public sex.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Trans Script
I think over the years, as a preemptive defense mechanism mainly, I've developed a script for talking about my body with cis folk. It's usually a fairly simple "I just need to hear you say that you won't see me as anything less than a woman when I take off my pants" and them saying "Yes of course I won't, etc." Normally, it's left me feeling incredibly empowered, validated, and reassured.
But the other day, I had first-time sex with a cis grrrl whom I've had a crush on for a while (and I discovered that the feeling was mutual :P) and when I read the script and heard her response the script felt trite. Her response was (laugh) "Of course, I honestly can't think of you as anything but a woman." And, it made me realize that the script is no longer relevant for me to articulate my sexuality, desires, and so on. I think the script was useful at a moment in my life when my gender identity wasn't completely solidified and, as a result, I relied on cis folk's validation for my gender.
I think I've been ruminating over this--the usefulness of the script at this point in my transition--for about a month or so, and it was this encounter that made me decide to stop using it. And really, my reasoning is twofold: first, I'm solid in my gender/sexual i.d. as a pre-operative transsexual dyke and I don't feel that I need validation in that very specific yes-you-are-a-woman kind of way, especially from cis folk. Secondly, at this point in my life/transition, the script only feels useful if I were going to be sleeping with people for whom I wasn't sure had good trans politics, but really, I don't do that.
Before I feel comfortable sleeping with someone they have to demonstrate that they have a good understanding of trans identity. And, you know, obviously that doesn't mean that they have to articulate in-depth knowledge of all the specificities of a trans embodiment (because really I don't want to wait 6 months to sleep with them :P) but they have to at least understand the basics.
Finally, I think it's important for me to drop this script because I never use it when sleeping with another trans or genderqueer person, and as a result it sets up a dynamic wherein trans/genderqueer folks are drastically different from cis folks. It just feels weird that I would rail against this type of mentality--that is, trans = demonstrably different from cis--in every other aspect of my life except for the bedroom. So, I'm going to try it for a while, not having this conversation and seeing how it makes me feel. Now, obviously I'm still going to talk about what turns me on/off, what type of touching I like/don't like, how I like my genitals to be touched, what I like my genitals to be called, and all that other great stuff. BUT, I am going to consciously drop the please-don't-think-of-me-as-less-of-a-woman stuff...hope it works!
Wish me luck :)
xoxo
Kate
But the other day, I had first-time sex with a cis grrrl whom I've had a crush on for a while (and I discovered that the feeling was mutual :P) and when I read the script and heard her response the script felt trite. Her response was (laugh) "Of course, I honestly can't think of you as anything but a woman." And, it made me realize that the script is no longer relevant for me to articulate my sexuality, desires, and so on. I think the script was useful at a moment in my life when my gender identity wasn't completely solidified and, as a result, I relied on cis folk's validation for my gender.
I think I've been ruminating over this--the usefulness of the script at this point in my transition--for about a month or so, and it was this encounter that made me decide to stop using it. And really, my reasoning is twofold: first, I'm solid in my gender/sexual i.d. as a pre-operative transsexual dyke and I don't feel that I need validation in that very specific yes-you-are-a-woman kind of way, especially from cis folk. Secondly, at this point in my life/transition, the script only feels useful if I were going to be sleeping with people for whom I wasn't sure had good trans politics, but really, I don't do that.
Before I feel comfortable sleeping with someone they have to demonstrate that they have a good understanding of trans identity. And, you know, obviously that doesn't mean that they have to articulate in-depth knowledge of all the specificities of a trans embodiment (because really I don't want to wait 6 months to sleep with them :P) but they have to at least understand the basics.
Finally, I think it's important for me to drop this script because I never use it when sleeping with another trans or genderqueer person, and as a result it sets up a dynamic wherein trans/genderqueer folks are drastically different from cis folks. It just feels weird that I would rail against this type of mentality--that is, trans = demonstrably different from cis--in every other aspect of my life except for the bedroom. So, I'm going to try it for a while, not having this conversation and seeing how it makes me feel. Now, obviously I'm still going to talk about what turns me on/off, what type of touching I like/don't like, how I like my genitals to be touched, what I like my genitals to be called, and all that other great stuff. BUT, I am going to consciously drop the please-don't-think-of-me-as-less-of-a-woman stuff...hope it works!
Wish me luck :)
xoxo
Kate
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Fags, Bois, and Daddy
I've been fantasizing a lot recently about fag sex. Does that make me a bad MTF? Does it make me a bad dyke? Last weekend I helped organize a play party for queers of all genders (http://montrealcontrelemur.wordpress.com/) and I found that I was most turned on by all the kinky cis faggots fucking.
I've been thinking about this attraction for a while and in explaining it to someone recently, I said that when I fantasize about/fuck femmes I feel like a dyke but when I fantasize about/fuck butches or bois, I feel like a fag. And then when I fuck boys (trans or cis) I feel as though I'm beyond gender. Isn't it funny how sexuality informs gender which informs sexuality which informs gender, ad infinitum?
Also, I did a scene where I played a Daddy. It was interesting embodying a male persona (ie: wearing a shirt/tie, getting called sir) for the first time since transitioning. I thought I would have had trouble getting into it but I feel that I am at a point now where I'm secure in my gender as an andro transdyke. In fact, I felt comfortable in the role of Daddy because it was a chosen maleness. As opposed to pre-transition fucking where it was simply assumed that I would embody maleness because of my assigned sex. It actually felt liberating to "play the male" for half an hour and, then post orgasm, remove the cock, put a bra back on, and return to a place of femaleness.
All this to say, I look forward to continuing this exploration of role/identities in sex.
Butchy Bisous,
Kate
I've been thinking about this attraction for a while and in explaining it to someone recently, I said that when I fantasize about/fuck femmes I feel like a dyke but when I fantasize about/fuck butches or bois, I feel like a fag. And then when I fuck boys (trans or cis) I feel as though I'm beyond gender. Isn't it funny how sexuality informs gender which informs sexuality which informs gender, ad infinitum?
Also, I did a scene where I played a Daddy. It was interesting embodying a male persona (ie: wearing a shirt/tie, getting called sir) for the first time since transitioning. I thought I would have had trouble getting into it but I feel that I am at a point now where I'm secure in my gender as an andro transdyke. In fact, I felt comfortable in the role of Daddy because it was a chosen maleness. As opposed to pre-transition fucking where it was simply assumed that I would embody maleness because of my assigned sex. It actually felt liberating to "play the male" for half an hour and, then post orgasm, remove the cock, put a bra back on, and return to a place of femaleness.
All this to say, I look forward to continuing this exploration of role/identities in sex.
Butchy Bisous,
Kate
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